My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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