so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
