so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
