The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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