She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
