You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
