Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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