So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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