I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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