M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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