I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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