A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
