On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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