I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
