Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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