I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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