8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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