i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
