dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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