I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
