I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
