It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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