i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
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