two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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