i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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