i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
