Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
