threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
