I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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