apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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