My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
