haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
