How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The cops high fived after they tackled you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
