I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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