dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
