I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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