There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
