I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize