Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
