My underwear smells like fireworks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
