I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
