Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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