I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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