I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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