My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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