I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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