I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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