I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
