just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
