i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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